Have you ever considered sleeping in a separate bedroom from your partner due to their sleeping habits? Do they snore and keep you awake, staring at the clock as you attempt to drown out the noise? The key to a successful relationship might surprise you: sleep divorce.
Celebrities such as Bette Midler - due to celebrate her 40th wedding anniversary in 2024 - stated the key to her long-lasting relationship is "separate bedrooms. My husband snores". Other famous faces like Cameron Diaz are keen to normalise sleeping apart.
Does your partner's snoring drive you wild, and does this signal the end of the relationship? The answer is no. A 'sleep divorce' refers to sleeping in separate bedrooms. As sleep experts, we share why your sleep divorce could signify a healthy relationship and an even healthier sleep schedule.
What is a sleep divorce?
A sleep divorce isn't quite as harsh as it sounds – there's no legal divorce going on! It's simply the act of a couple sleeping in different beds or even bedrooms if there's enough room. 'Sleep divorce' in the United States is becoming increasingly common, with some studies suggesting that even as far back as 2017, 1 in 4 married couples had chosen to sleep in separate beds. Within the last year alone, searches for couples sleeping in 'separate bedrooms' have surged 315%, highlighting a shift in how couples approach their sleep and relationship health.
Emma Loker, psychotherapeutic counsellor and founder of MindWrite, a mental health writing agency, says that "sharing a bed can damage your sleep quality, which can have a whole load of implications for your health. Worsened mood, poor skin, weight gain, reduced system function, you name it. All these consequences can cause an emotional strain on your relationship".
"Sleep divorce doesn't have to be negative or taboo. Remember those days when your relationship first began, and you'd invite each other back for a nightcap? Imagine being able to do this 10 years into a relationship because you have your own bedrooms. Sleep divorce really can keep the spark alive!"
"At the end of the day, sleep divorce is what you make it. If you're sleeping in separate beds because you're secretly mad at your spouse, this isn't the key to a happy relationship. But if you have solid reasons behind your choice and it helps your relationship thrive, why not?"
While sleeping in the same bed is traditionally seen as a sign of intimacy, it can seriously strain your relationship, leading to unnecessary arguments that could have been avoided with a good night's rest. This can be attributed to many factors, including couples' different body clocks and sleep timing preferences. For other couples, it may be snoring, restless legs, insomnia, or a yearning for personal space that causes the issue.
What's the international appeal of a sleep divorce?
However, it's not just the US where a craving for separate beds is rising. In the UK, searches for 'sleep divorce' have increased by 86%. Across the Atlantic, the trend is still the same: couples are seeing an increased need for space when sleeping.
One thing to note here is that British beds tend to be shorter, narrower, and firmer than beds in the US, so your partner could be too close, disrupting your sleep. Luckily, super king beds in the UK offer all the space you and your partner need to spread out without disturbing each other. Don't forget about your mattress; some can sag in the middle, causing you both to roll towards each other, so you'll want one with high support.
Previous studies have found that one-in-six couples sleep in separate beds in the UK, but with searches for 'sleep divorce' rising by 86% in the last year, this trend shows no sign of slowing down. Reasons such as fidgeting and waking up during the night have been cited, but one reason is more common than any other.
What are the negative effects of sleeping beside a partner?
Digging deeper into the data, we can reveal that searches for 'divorce over snoring' have increased by 100% and 67%, respectively, in the UK and the US, highlighting how this is a common cause of contention between sleeping partners.
In a survey conducted by Sleep Foundation, 77% of people stated that their partner's snoring affected their well-being. Almost half (44%) of those same people said they felt tired the next day. But did you know that sleep problems are shared with your partner? Another study revealed that snorers wake their partners as much as they wake themselves up. This can lead to increased tension in the relationship, particularly if the partner snores regularly.
After just 24 hours of sleep deprivation, you can experience physical changes, such as dark circles, puffy eyes and even tremors. Mentally, you could also experience food cravings and anger and put yourself at an increased risk of making mistakes. If this occurs over a week, it could result in a state of psychosis.
Why a 'sleep divorce' could improve your relationship and sleep
While the concept of a 'sleep divorce' might sound drastic, experts suggest how couples sleep together - or apart - can say a lot about the health of their relationship. Kelley Nele, Relationship & Sex Educator, offers insights into the reasons behind sleep divorce.
"People often end up with partners who are their complete opposites, e.g. one person is an early bird, while the other is a night owl; one person prefers to sleep with the fan on, and the other doesn't. These differences can be difficult to navigate and cause people to question whether their partner is right for them.
"However, when you sleep in different rooms, these issues are eliminated completely. Sleeping in separate rooms can, therefore, improve sleep quality, which means we're less stressed/irritable. Fewer arguments can be expected as a result of this."
That's not all. With fewer nighttime awakenings and more quality sleep, this will likely lead to reduced tension with your partner. Berkeley University researchers discovered that the fight was less likely to be resolved when couples had argued if just one of the partners had slept poorly the previous night. They emphasised that it takes two people to resolve a conflict, so just one poorly rested partner is enough to trigger or worsen it.
Don't label the spare room a 'spare room'
Gemma Nice, a well-being, Sex and Relationship Coach, also agrees that there are benefits to separate benefits but says: "The trick here is to not call the 'spare room' the spare room. Call it your room as it is your room. Move things from the main bedroom, which used to be there, into your room. That way, you will start to feel more comfortable sleeping in there instead of the 'spare room'."
Georgina Sturmer, Counsellor, MBACP, also agrees and says, "The key is to make sure that we find ways to acknowledge how it might change our relationship. If it could potentially diminish moments of closeness or intimacy. And if that is the case, then finding ways to ensure that we keep these in our lives. And after all, if we are better rested, then we are more likely to have the energy that we need to have in order to nurture and nourish our relationship"
But for those of you sleeping in the same bed as your partner, which sleeping positions suggest a change is needed?
What do your sleeping positions say about your relationship?
Many couples choose not to sleep apart from their partner, but do you know what sleeping positions potentially mean for your relationship? Emma Loker, founder of Mindwrite and relationship expert, has detailed what your partner's sleeping position could mean.
Sleeping back-to-back
"Sleeping back to back can often be a sign of emotional distance between you and your partner, or you're just happily independent. If both you and your partner run hot in your sleep, sleeping back to back may mean you're still close but not piping hot."
Sleeping whilst spooning
"The quintessential couples' sleeping position, research dictates that the tiger you spoon, the closer your relationship is. When it's hot, your usual spoon may need to adapt to a loose spoon. Don't fret; this doesn't mean your relationship is in jeopardy. It's the thought that counts."
Sleeping face-to-face
"Sleeping face-to-face signifies intimacy and closeness, as you're often only a couple of inches away, and a part of your body is touching. Research shows that couples who touch while sleeping tend to be happier in their relationship."
Sleeping intertwined
"I like to call this sleeping position the "pretzel" – you practically form one being. When you sleep with your legs intertwined, you can't help but be super close. For many, this mimics the beginning of a relationship; you want as much of each other as you can get. It often wears out as the relationship progresses, as it's not a comfortable (or practical) position to sleep in."
Sleeping in the cliffhanger-style
"Ever had a fight before bed? It usually results in the cliffhanger, being the furthest away from each other possible. Adopting the cliffhanger doesn't have to be a negative thing - sometimes, people need space to calm themselves. Just remember to make up the morning after."
Hugging their leg
"The leg hugger position may be the classic long-term relationship sleeping position. You want to be close, but you both know the importance of a good night's sleep. It respects each other's space and allows you to sleep how you want but with a light touch of intimacy."
Don't fret; your sleeping position doesn't mean your relationship will be ruined, but it never hurts to know the signs that something needs to change. But, if you are looking for more tips on how to get a better night's sleep with your partner, check out our article on sleeping comfortably with a partner or explore our help and advice pages for more info.
